I’m a wife material, not a girlfriend material

Lifetime commitments do not scare me,because the only option of ending it is, technically, death. I am left with no other options but to solve every problem that come in my way to keep my word. Because thats how it’s supposed to be, problems are supposed to be solved in this relationship. And you are to love the person you have chosen, committed to. Marriage, in its strict exchange of vows, guarantees that your ending should be happy and will be happy because it is the only thing you’ve got. You promised, and you have to keep it.

I love him enough to marry him.; To be the woman who will take care of him, pay the bills with him, travel with him and raise kids with him. But somehow I cannot be the devoted girlfriend. I cannot be anyone’s girlfriend for that matter. I will have a relationship when I’m ready and that’s when i’m ready to settle down. Be a wife and be a mom.

Crazy as it sounds, blunt as it feels, I can only choose black or white. Single or married. Independent or Co-dependent. Exclusively dating aka being in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship is a gray area for me. And as how Barney put it in HIYM “Relationships are like freeways, there are several exits.” This scares me too much. Not only by the other person taking an exit on me, but me finding an exit myself. And I don’t want that.

What will make me happy right now is cruising in my own car, glancing through my window to see him enjoying his ride, too, maybe even glancing back. And someday, we’ll take the same exit and never have to drive on freeways anymore.

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