A part of me wants to hear from you but it doesn’t know what it wants to hear. Some parts of me don’t, because they’re scared it will pull the whole of me down.
I was just thinking that maybe this Christmas would be an exception from the war we had been waging. But maybe there shouldn’t be exceptions, nor special occasions. That this isn’t an exception, rather, this is the climactic phase of the battle where neither of us should put our guards down and fight, burning down every single part of us that wants to be with each other, until we no longer feel the need to back down for embrace. Until there’s nothing left.
The missing feeling stirs up inside me because Christmas isn’t in my home, and you’re another home. But it stirs too weakly it doesn’t even make me say it. The compulsive person that I am, blurting out my thoughts. It’s too weak and unsure and my system will stop it, eventually, naturally.
You make me stay
When I should not
Are you so strong
Or is all the weakness in me
I believe you and I trust you. But you are difficult to love. I do the talking, the hello how are you. the hey what’s up. The wondering. the thinking. the longing. A single word from you spins my entire world. Your words sound like pity. like alms. Again, I believe you, respect you, and trust you. But you are cold, you are as good as not being there at all. You are difficult to understand, to love. Is it just me or have you changed? If it was just me, then please, help. I beg of you. I’ve been doing the begging. the chasing. Serves me right. But this won’t be long. I promise.
Post-its all over my wall for things to do. I cry at them. I might as well write a message to myself.
You have 6 exams coming up, 3 of those you have to ace for you to pass the subjects. And your ex whom you’re trying to “get things in order” with is how-should-you-explain the girl/s he adores in instagram totally helps you channel your inner green monster.
The adult who cared about you told you already that if a person wants you back, that person will plead for you, beg for you. Did you listen? Nope. Cos you think you have to accept the love you think you deserve. So you let your guard down cos you think it was alright. It was okay, you were okay. You see the sacrifices but you feel that he’s not even half as crazy about him as you are. Darling, won’t you ever learn? He is probably just not that into you. Why are you still there.
Post- hell weeks. Whatever you want.
Oh please. It’s easy to lie about being okay when you’re not. We do that all the time anyway, lie. What gets us tongue-tied, rather, is telling the truth. And so putting into words “I am sad.” is an even braver thing to do. It takes so much pride to admit that we’ve lost our control over ourselves because as many have pointed, happiness is a choice. Geez if only it were that easy.
And it’s not like I am not happy at all. I am. But I’d like to say the most honest feeling:
I am sad.
C and I were studying at a resto last Saturday and this song played.
I think I had heard this already during the saddest days of our relationship.
This time I’ll be sweeter.
Our love will run deeper.
I won’t mess around.
I won’t let you let down.
Have faith in me!
Have faith in me.
I always said that I had forgotten the remorse I felt, and could not imagine how I brought myself to so much tears, then. But this song digs up how much loss I felt, and reminds me how thankful I am for another chance.