Oh please. It’s easy to lie about being okay when you’re not. We do that all the time anyway, lie. What gets us tongue-tied, rather, is telling the truth. And so putting into words “I am sad.” is an even braver thing to do. It takes so much pride to admit that we’ve lost our control over ourselves because as many have pointed, happiness is a choice. Geez if only it were that easy.
And it’s not like I am not happy at all. I am. But I’d like to say the most honest feeling:
I am sad.
Just a quick rave in between reading chapters of Berne and Levy for Physio exam tomorrow.
Finally, I put my Toshiba netbook to rest and decided to buy a bigger laptop. I almost jumped into the bandwagon of purchasing a MacBook but my impatience for figuring out iOS
made me settle with led me to Dell Inspiron. I don’t feel like I lost the sophistication of Mac because there’s Windows 8 which is a quadrillion times more advanced than the Windows (I’m sorry I don’t even know what it was) version that I had been using since college. I’m so psyched it lets me download apps. Geesh, who would have thought that “software” would be replaced by “apps”. People seldom used the word software now.
C and I were studying at a resto last Saturday and this song played.
I think I had heard this already during the saddest days of our relationship.
This time I’ll be sweeter.
Our love will run deeper.
I won’t mess around.
I won’t let you let down.
Have faith in me!
Have faith in me.
I always said that I had forgotten the remorse I felt, and could not imagine how I brought myself to so much tears, then. But this song digs up how much loss I felt, and reminds me how thankful I am for another chance.
Lifetime commitments do not scare me,because the only option of ending it is, technically, death. I am left with no other options but to solve every problem that come in my way to keep my word. Because thats how it’s supposed to be, problems are supposed to be solved in this relationship. And you are to love the person you have chosen, committed to. Marriage, in its strict exchange of vows, guarantees that your ending should be happy and will be happy because it is the only thing you’ve got. You promised, and you have to keep it.
I love him enough to marry him.; To be the woman who will take care of him, pay the bills with him, travel with him and raise kids with him. But somehow I cannot be the devoted girlfriend. I cannot be anyone’s girlfriend for that matter. I will have a relationship when I’m ready and that’s when i’m ready to settle down. Be a wife and be a mom.
Crazy as it sounds, blunt as it feels, I can only choose black or white. Single or married. Independent or Co-dependent. Exclusively dating aka being in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship is a gray area for me. And as how Barney put it in HIYM “Relationships are like freeways, there are several exits.” This scares me too much. Not only by the other person taking an exit on me, but me finding an exit myself. And I don’t want that.
What will make me happy right now is cruising in my own car, glancing through my window to see him enjoying his ride, too, maybe even glancing back. And someday, we’ll take the same exit and never have to drive on freeways anymore.
I have and always will be an expressive person who likes to kiss.
Posting a calendar on my wall to track my workout has motivated me to stick to my schedule. I record my cheat days there and also put my frustrations in writing.
I’m gonna have to make another spread because that was interrupted by a very unwanted event. Ugh.
Yes, i’m back to blogging, again. A couple of reasons convinced me to. 1) Because I was searching for personal experiences of people on different things, like yeah, med school and the blogs id find were outdated. Everyone’s on facebook, twitter and instagram and have abandoned their blogs. My snoopiness cannot be satisfied by those, plus, they on high level privacy settings. Sooo..to another person who’d search for information, they can count on my blog. I hope. 2) because this is the medium Danelle and I share interest in. I love you soul sister!